21.10.15

Blimey who have thought with those saggy jowls, wild eyes & mad wayward  grey hair that today 21.10.15 I would be greeted by  Emmett Lathrop "Doc" Brown, Ph.D when looking in the mirror this morning........

Train heating

Ladies and gentleman We apologise for the extreme overcrowding in 4 out of 5 carriages on this service today- this is solely due to the 5th carriage being occupied by just one middle aged frumpy woman sat in just her vest & pants refusing to adorn any other clothing until the thermostat is turned down.

Irksome

I'm quite certain I did not get out of bed the wrong side as I have no recollection of climbing over the sleeping form of Mr C, ( & get repeatedly punched from squashing him and stopping his joyful early morning snore snore wheeze that woke me st 4.15)- just feel irksome today, however let it be known I am not mentally murdering fellow commuters, but mentally I have inflicted several Chinese burns, 2 paper cuts & one paper clip under the fingernail thus far#imsuchalittlerayofsunshinetoday

Birthday

So Mr C thinks it funny to mention that last week when walking from New Street Station to Snow Hill station he picked up my birthday gift. He refuses even though I suriptiously enquired as which route he took to tell me. Hmmmmm did he walk past Lush? The gin shop? The jewellers? The Dm shop? The Apple Store ?

Then he has the cheek to ask if I have 3 sheets of spare wrapping paper- question I ask is how many sheets does it take to wrap a diamond ring? And if he is winding me up he's gonna need more than 3 sheets to wrap a donkey or a duck.... Hmmmmmmmmm 

Double whammy

Double bonus today- on the early train & we have 2 girls sat opposite one another both doing their make up - talking too loudly and most certainly not coming up for air ( inserts sigh) almost tempted to pretend I have Tourette's and randomly shout out phrases such as ' you can't polish a turd' shut up I don't care to hear about so and so"s,  such and such with so and so, Where's kermit? alas I fear they may think I'm a bitter old crow who just dips her head in her make up bag shakes face twice and she's done, ( I am that person) Now a question , why would you make your face orange or the colour of grandmas legs in 90 denier American tan tights When she has stood in front of the fire and her cheeky chilblains poke through?

Men don't draw moustaches on so how is it right to crayon eye brows on and think it's ok- ah now it is applying false lashes time to start sneezing so she puts them on wonky .... Tomorrow I am bringing my ironing on the train with me 

Virgin Media

Dear Virgin Media

When I was younger my mom would buy orange squash sadly not Kiora ( those funky crows with their jaunty songs- oh how we coveted that brand) but co op own value of low value cheapo brand which no matter how much you used it still looked like the pale offerings of someone with a water craving & weak bladder- pale insipid & weak- however no matter how weak it was it was still stronger that the signal I get from yourself.

Rather like buying the biggest & best Swiss Army knife with all the gadgets and then finding out that although you can unclod cow pats from your walking boots with the special tool or file that broken nail there is no blade- the  main functionality of the darn thing is missing.

Please sort yourself out as obviously I need my internet to watch cute clips of puppies doing cute puppy type things and to plot world domination 

Adverts

Just watched the most ridiculous advert in the whole universe " Kit Kat tear & share"............... What's this share word? Not one I've heard in relation to chocolate  before? What next resealible chocolate ?

Work photos

Rather disappointed that the professional photographer that took my photos for my work id did not use photoshop therefore when the photos pinged through on email for approval, it was like one of those clips you see on FB where it's all serene and calm then that old hag pops up and scares the bejaysus out of you. Good job I for once wasn't eating at my desk as I would still be there picking bits of frazzles out of the keyboard again.

Also I seem to be at a curious angle with an odd look in my face almost like when you are surupitiously trying to blow off sneakily....... Well played photographer 

Air con

Dear Mr Train driver- I understand it was rumoured that we were anticipating an Indian summer- I have yet to witness this rare occurrence, and although my thermals haven't come out yet, but being a woman of a certain age I have dug my Autumn coat out and a rather fetching matching  jaunty scarf- which I am grateful for, I am also strangely pleased that my attempt to loose more weight has been temporarily thwarted by my love of cake, whys that you ask?

Because this train home has the air con on and I now find myself with goosebumps in areas I thought not possible.For the love of all things chocolately turn it off you sadist, the ample lady sitting next to me doesn't seem very happy with me snuggling up to her like a puppy trying to steal her warmth....

Dearest Gok Wan

Dearest Gok Wan..... Do me, do me ( no not in that way as even if you were not gay you soon would be when greeted by me in my 50 shades of off grey non matching underwear complete with tapioca/blancmange wobbly bits overspilling like a cheap sausage and mash from a non food hygiene rated burger van at the local market. It would be rather nice to be assisted in finding a style as opposed to people saying "You are quirky" in the same way they would say to the local bag lady who smells of urine, Parma violets and dead cats... " she's harmless really, she just like cats- which equals " she is actually madder than  a container load of boxes of frogs" MrC prefers the jeans and tshirt looks which is rather how I grew up as a Tom boy ( well wearing my older brothers cast offs...what are y- fronts all about anyway?) Dressing up girly is exactly that, ok at home but the minute you leave you feel perhaps not unlike a stag party member off to Grimsby for a night out wearing your best dress cursing the best man for thinking it would be funny, but secretly wanting to look like a super model but alas realising  you look like Tootsy 

Scarves

I do rather like wearing scarves and contrary to popular belief I don't wear them to cover my Adam's apple up &  the next person to suggest that will find me waving my willy at them ....

Tummy

So my tummy sits on my lap like a small warm puppy- I shall call it Wibbles.

Who farted?

That awful moment of realisation of what you've just done , when in the middle of the night you pull the quilt up to get all snuggly after farting and although it smells rank, it's ok as its yours- then just as you nod back off your husband farts and it smells not unlike the one you sniffed earlier- leaving you feeling somewhat tainted in the knowledge that may have been his fart you were previously inhaling ......

Sweet shop lady

So when in an iconic sweet shop watching a lady of dour demeanour serving ice cream to excited children and she barks " Anything else?" YES A FREAKING SMILE -would be the correct answer

why

Dear crisp white shirty blouse thing.... How very dare you, especially after lovingly ironing you this morning - sat on the train now and I look down to see that you now have more crinkles than an elephants arse and nearly as many wrinkles as my face- cheers for that.... Nicely played ‪#‎lookslikeibloodywellsleptinit‬!

Shut up

Oh that moment of joy as I am sat here at my easel trying to find my mojo to the joyful tunes of non stop barking coming from next door and the loud music " I can only describe it as "The best of Romanian folk-rap style" blasting out from the other neighbours ‪#‎imprettysuremyearsarebleedingalittlebit‬

Helpful

Do you need a hand getting your pushchair off the train? I ask - "ooooooo that's so kind "said mother of child who is overtired, loud and screechy- that's ok said I " just wanted to make sure you actually were getting off and couldn't get back on ‪#‎imnorgoingtoheavenami‬?

Nail painting lady

To the lady who painted her nails on the train to work, I know how tricky it is painting your right hand at the best of times but especially more so on a crowded bumpy train. Your dexterity amazed me- even with people tutting at you and coughing at the fumes- you didn't wobble, smudge or make a mess. A tip if I may? Don't run your fingers through your long beautiful blonde hair until said green polish is dry ‪#‎lookslikeabogieinyourhair‬

Dear Pocahontas

Dear Pocahontas sat opposite me on the train - yes you are a beautiful goddess with your long straight hair, tanned skin and perfectly groomed expensive attire- so don't worry about scuffing those little Jimmy Choos as indeed that is not the chair leg you are drumming them against but indeed my shin which being fleshy most normal humans would identify the difference, but as you are busy on your big shiny phone I guess I won't disturb you ‪#‎letseeherwalkoffthrtrainwithbrokenfeet‬

Falling asleep

I hate trying to fall asleep without watching the tv. Just laying in the dark.... It's like waiting to die, then your brain wakes up and shouts " Oh hi as you're awake let's think random thoughts" ; then again if I fall asleep whilst on the iPad- it hurts when you nod off and it hits you in the face....

Snackhangry

Snackhangry= that exact precise moment when you go into the kitchen to get the 1/2 pack of crisps you've been saving and some fecktard who will die very slowly shortly has eaten them......

Tired

is going to sleep. If you wake me-, you had better be on fire and have tried to put yourself out at least twice already or you will be watching the sunrise in a body cast..

Mascara

Dear mascara manufacturers, let's be perfectly honest here shall we and talk about branding and the dishonestly of your marketing department- since when does False lash effect/ doe eyed lashes like bambi/ super dooper long lustrous come hither lashes= equate to what I have in my little stumpy lashes this morning. May I be so pertinent as to suggest a rebrand claiming, "No extra length guaranteed, just clumpy little lumps of what looks like mouse droppings adorning your upper lids and the added bonus of spots of black all over your upper lids (thus I am now a human Dalmatian). If you could kindly arrange this then that would save me from such a disappointment- or at the very least a disclaimer to state *that by the application of this product you will not transform into Grace Kelly although test results have shown in some cases a Lilly Savage effect has been known. Thank you

Ewwwww

Down wind on the train of a certain young man who is not only having a flirtatious conversation on the phone, but a loud one & goodness me the recipient of said phone call needs to grateful that "smell o vision" has yet to be invented as he honks - a smell which is reminiscent of infected belly buttons/stale sweat/ tramps bum crack & other such fausty smells. I am trying not to gag & retch on a smell that I can taste. ( Disclaimer: Please note I have never personally smelt a tramps bum crack, but I do have an older brother who would stick his finger In his belly button and rub it under my nose and fart in carrier bags and proceed to wedge them over my head......)

Doggy names

That moment when discussing dog names when Mr C says "Doggy is a cute name for a doggy" and you blart out rather loudly "Oooh I like DOGGY, I could do Doggy" then not realising what is so amusing to everyone else.....

Whooshy

Head is whooshy & dizzy - who wants to give me a piggy back to the station at home time- as always I am prepared to carry my own rucksack......

Trains

Dear girl on train, maybe it's the acoustics of this busy train or maybe due to the fact my ears are bleeding- but I think maybe your singing is a tad off-key. If you are going to screech like a cat trying to remove a hair ball then at least amuse us and sing the whole song not just random lines - it's like you have One Direction tourettes ( choose a better song)... A monkey punch to the side of the head & being gagged by my socks often offends....‪#‎theresabigdifferencebetweensingingforyourgrandparentsandmakingmewanttopiercemyowneardrums‬.....

Gin

There are not enough profanities & gin for the I way currently feel, I do rather think I need this tattooed on my forehead

Nods really loud

he good news is that it would seem that there is no requirement for some people to undergo a colonoscopy as it appears their heads are so far up their own arse they can see themselves what's going on in there...

Bath night

Time spent in lush choosing bath bomb =2 minutes Time running bath and going "ooooo" at the pretty colours=5minutes Time spent wallowing in mud coloured mush feeling not unlike a hippo= 10 minutes Time spent cleaning all the silt and glitter out of bath tub = 20 minutes Time for another bath...... ( I must have sniffed too hard when choosing as I got it all over my nose and the assistant who wouldn't leave me be said "ooo madam you have a bath bomb nose!" Errrrrrrr no it's psoriasis said I " 😁 * soon left me alone as I was laughing to myself!

Dear Chiltern Railways

Dear Chiltern Railways, please upon arrival at SnowHill May I pre request a hoist of sorts & a copious amounts of lubricant to un wedge me from your seats that do not have moveable armrests and thus meaning one has to squeeze her gargantuan child bearing lower regions into a space designed obviously by someone sharing the same proportions as a toddler or the same hips as him from Suade. Why don't the armrests move? Is it to stop commuters touching perhaps- I've been commuting for years and and used to being the one with the smelly tramp/woman doing full make up/ arms stretched our newspaper reader/those who do silent farts that make you retch/person who sniffs-coughs- picks at scabs & person almost sitting on my lap next to me,it's okay I'm used to it some days it's the only bodily contact I get as a Middle aged married woman#ireallylovelookinglikeawhalelapdancingtryingtogetoutofmyseat

Late trains

Dear irate lady on the platform, please hush your mouth there's lots more of us wishing to get home who couldn't board the late running crowded train, your constant whining is being to grate and irk more than service disruption. I can hear you and am fully aware that you have no urgent requirement to get home at a set time. Just take time, breathe and relax there are people a lot lot worse off than you so just stop and ponder how really ridiculous you look

Am I ill?

Pleasant ride in today, didn't roll my eyes or sigh once or even feel the requirement to administer a Chinese burn to anyone.... Ho-hum the day is but in its infancy yet............

Ninja Break dancing

That moment when you put fresh plays on ( off the washing line) feel something - do the ninja breakdance strip and what you thought was a spider is actually a hanging loop thing.......‪#‎whotheheckhangspjaysonahanger‬?

New bra?

Dear high street retailer 

Thank you for informing me that none of your 4 lingerie changing room attendants who were stood chewing the cud can measure me up for a bra on the spot, I will indeed go home check my diary and then proceed to book the required 30 minute slot.... , Now I realise I'm knocking on a bit & these puppies no longer have the elasticity and bounce they once had and rather do tend to hang like Snoopys nose looking down at Woodstock, but really 30 minutes - what's the plan? Hoist them up with a crane from where they are tucked firmly into my granny pants nestling in the warmth like a pair of sleeping piglets? All it needs is a tape measure...ah right silly me I need to try different bras on- Bras, those lacy racy things, balcony, uplifter, shelf, t- shirt- I just want a bra that stops them looking like I've a couple of naughty toddlers fighting under my t- shirt or one that doesn't make me look like a milk laden sow ( that attractive 4 boob cup overspill look) or one where when I take my bra off at the end of the day and have that " Ahhhhhh bliss boob under scratch" moment ruined by the sound of small objects & crumbs  that got lost earlier in the day falling out of my cleavage

That's all I want

Signed

Mrs woman wearing the dingy grey sports bra

Happy Traveller

You know when you commute and there's that one person you try & avoid sitting next to as they have a whole demeanour that cries out "You even give me eye contact let alone dare to invade my misery bubble & I will harm you in ways you never thought possible" yup that's me  

Tights

Dear ladies hosiery manufacturing people, please may I make a simple request that perhaps you are slightly more honest in your sizings : its 100 denier for me all the way ( think black out curtain) not for style but purely down to the fact my legs look like several lbs of tripe mixed with corned beef both in looks and texture.Now being not far off 6 foot and build like one of the late 60's Russian ladies Olympic  shot putting team I have to purchase xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl or similar to get the stretch both upwards and outwards- so please explain why is it that putting these tights on is some what like a cross between attempting to shove an unconscious elephant into a condom or jelly down a straw? Would it not be more helpful to put a disclaimer on the packaging stating " Don't forget to put your Bridget Jones belly warmers over the top to prevent slippage thus allowing your belly to fall out the top and hang over like a small puppy clinging on for dear life whilst they bunch and wrinkle at the ankles ( I have cankles- I really do not require further enhancements) and not forgetting the small marquee of gusset resting half way down your thighs"

That would be rather helpful