Pyjamas

Dear manufacturers of pyjamas designers in particular please do explain to me as to who has the ultimate say in the end product? Is it a lady or is it a gentleman as it is certainly not the person Who is going to adorn them- don't misunderstand me I love my new pyjamas they are super snuggly on the outside like the soft fur on the under belly of a puppy, in fact I could sit and stroke all night- but why have you put the nice fabric on the outside would it not normally make more sense to have it on the inside? 

So I could feel it next to my itchy flaky menopausal skin?

Be nice to be caressed by something, why do you think I give up my seat on the train, it's not because I'm nice, its for human contact- fair do's it tends to be the man who's farts smell of sausage sandwiches.......

After many years of marriage it's not as if he even looks at me let alone wants to touch me in bed to stroke and snuggle up to my snuggily wuggily PJays, the most contact we have is when he shouts "Quick burglars hide!" And shoves my head under the quilt where a nice fart has just been laid waiting to claim my soul.....

Or when he attempts to roll me onto my side with the same success as a toddler trying to rescue a beached whale in an attempt to cease my alleged snoring....

So come on, I'd even forego the quite appliqué teddy thing on the front ( oh yeah nice touch- take my bra off and teddy looks like he has sodding mumps!!!) please reconsider your fabric  

Stinky

Dear young man on the train sat opposite me- as a mother I can tell you that spraying after shave on your trousers to try and get rid of those dubious white stains will not stop your trousers from being stained, it will make it worse only due to the fact that I feel a bout of sneezing coming on from the copious amounts of pound shop imported cheap spray you have filled the carriage with & as we are sat in close proximity I may accidentally head butt you whilst undertaking said sneezing.... Now try getting blood & snot spray off your trousers.........

Service

Dear shop assistant- I know you weren't busy and I'm terribly sorry for interrupting your conversation with your colleague- your impending night out sounds amazing, however I do declare you are employed in the role of customer service-perchance to try it sometime?oh by the way I'd advise you to lay off the Greggs ........just saying

Jeans

Dear Next retailer..... Thank you so very much for discontinuing my favourite jeans and replacing your WHOLE range of jeans with " Skinny" ones, if I wanted to look a twonk I would indeed try and slide ( using copious amounts of lubricant) into my daughters size 10's......Oh yes I did note you had some " Boot cut ones which went upto a whooping gargantious size 14... Oh I can order fat ones on line? No the reason I am stood in your shop is to buy them now.... If I wanted to buy fat jeans on line i would look at sites for larger odd shaped ladies like " Fat bottomed jelly arse jeans.com"

Games

GAMES FOR NOW WE ARE OLDER 

 1. Sag, you're It. 

 2. Hide and go pee. 

 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 

 4. Kick the bucket

5. Try & remember why you've entered the room

6. Eat that & see if you get heartburn- hiatus roulette 

7. Try & stay awake after 9pm

8. Simon says- we have to repeat everything we are told in the vague hope we will actually remember it, ( or parts of it)  

9. Knock, knock Ginger ( but you don't run instead flash your "I need to Pee card"

10. Guess Who- you know the face but can't remember where the heck from 

11. Blind mans buff - where the hell did you put your specs this time?

12. Chinese whispers - having a conversation in a noisy pub- most of it is guess work

13. Marbles - no point you've lost most of them

14. Hop Scotch - yes those varifocals take some getting used to

15. Musical chairs ... That game we play until we find the comfiest one and the one we can get in and out of easiest with out jarring our poorly backs.

16. Rock, paper, scissors- how everything seems to be decided as its too much effort otherwise.

17. Eenie, meeny, miny, moe- as above 

18.  Sardines - well this applies to your handbag- crammed to the brim with those " just in case" items every time you dare to leave the house

19. Ring- a- ring-o- roses = skip the " sneezy bit and just fall down a lot

20. Twister- every time you bend down to pick something up

21. Operation - not the board game but your favourite subject for boring the bejaysus out of people 

22. Snap...... What your bones will do bringing forth item 21

 

Down wind

Down wind on the train of a certain young man who is not only having a flirtatious conversation on the phone, but a loud one & goodness me the recipient of said phone call needs to grateful that "smell o vision" has yet to be invented as he honks - a smell which is reminiscent of infected belly buttons/stale sweat/ tramps bum crack & other such fausty smells. 

I am trying not to gag & retch on a smell that I can taste.

( Disclaimer: Please note I have never personally smelt a tramps bum crack, but I do have an older brother who would stick his finger In his belly button and rub it under my nose and fart in carrier bags and proceed to wedge them  over my head......)

Commando

was thinking of  going commando to work tomorrow but im really not sure that the green and black face paint would suit me !

Late

Turns out, if a passenger is is mad at you-cos the train is , late/delayed, cancelled/ playing hide and seek en route, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.............

Did I eat that?

They say you are what you eat.. I don't even have the vaguest recollection of eating a sour faced dumpy disgruntled middle aged woman - however I must remember to pop to Tesco express and purchase some witty sexy beast doughnuts on my way to work today?!!

Pudding Dissapointment

When you realise that now matter how adult you look the inner child in you is bitterly disappointed - when in a restaurant and you see trifle on the pudding menu so greedily order ( obviously factoring in the syn value etc) and then they bring it out - near to tears like the child on Christmas morning eagerly expecting a pony or a horsey and end up with a stuffed crocheted brown thing that someone your mom works with had her blind maiden aunt make. You look at the offering in front of you & up at the waitress then at the others at your table expecting the chef to pop out and say "hahaha only joking - here's the real trifle" but no...... I'm sorry this is not trifle, for starters there are no sprinkles on top just almond flakes- there's no sodding jelly,( you have to have jelly seeped into the fingery base- everyone knows that!!!) so instead of jelly guess what I found? Well I'm telling you it may as well have been dog poop or one of the chefs finest curly pubes as it was equally disgusting- it was tinned fruit, which is an assassination on my mouth, cold hard and has the texture of cold tramps vomit. Nonetheless I pick that out and get to the fingery sponge base and oh my days it got worse it tasted like a snogging session at an OAP daycare Christmas party..... sherry blurgh blurgh - I could have cried. I'm sorry you can fancy up what ever food you like BUT you do not and cannot make trifle into an adult dish, it's just wrong

Try accupunture

Bloody Nora... this train stinks like the locker room of the over 50's pub rugby reunion match. Surely if you need to cover your self in so much Deep heat or other such muscle relaxant ( & not be wearing a rubber all in one with matching gimp mask) you really are not fit to attend work and should be heading for A&E- judging by how much you've put on I'd suggest its fracture or a fragmented disc, as I wouldn't say you've over done it however all my old lady aches & pains (and yes thank you very much there are a few ) are feeling mildly better since boarding- but my snout burns from inhalation - I hope you've washed your hands............other wise well you know it may make you wince

Bath time with pegs

I'm just popping to the toilet love- I'll run you a bath when I'm done, says himself: me......... are you having a wee wee or a number 2? Him..... stomps up stairs I don't have a big enough house for 2 toilets It may involve a strip wash in the morning

Election

All I have to say is perchance it's rather like me becoming an ambassador for Slimming world.........

Coffee

Dear Coffee barista 

You little sprinkle of sunshine - being served by you you was like having a skunk spray me,you've brightened my day in only the same way that treading in a freshly laid dog pavement egg in new shoes would do and boosted my already shitty mood tenfold 

Yes I am aware I may be a lady who isn't going to see that side of 40 again- actually there's a lot of things I probably won't see again such as my waist line/ feet/ boobs once the bra comes off any way,  however I like my coffee like I perceive myself, strong and hot ( * stop sniggering you lot)

And not like I actually am, pale ,insipid, weak and full of air.

Oh and I don't particularly like my take away cups like my self ( one false move on the train & lack of Tenna ladies) a wet lap thanks to a cup drippier than my bladder 

Oh and the cup requires a thickness more than a hookers gusset in order not to burn ones delicate hands. 

Squished

Can someone dig the station wheelchair out for my arrival at Snowhill to wheel me across to HQ.

I am aware that I have ample thighs, which I will try to contain to my own seat, ( imagine a wriggly puppy)  and yes I will give my seat up should the train get busy- however I feel I may never walk again- as a lady who is larger than me has seated herself beside me, oh let me correct that to Once again she has not seated herself or lowered her self into the empty space beside me but once again plonked herself down with the same  enthusiasm as a mother of 12 entering a church jumble sale when or me when I see the yellow stickers going on the reduced cakes in the supermarket.... you know when someone sits on your coat and you can't move....... hmmmmm she's sat on my thigh overspill