Pyjamas

Dear manufacturers of pyjamas designers in particular please do explain to me as to who has the ultimate say in the end product? Is it a lady or is it a gentleman as it is certainly not the person Who is going to adorn them- don't misunderstand me I love my new pyjamas they are super snuggly on the outside like the soft fur on the under belly of a puppy, in fact I could sit and stroke all night- but why have you put the nice fabric on the outside would it not normally make more sense to have it on the inside? 

So I could feel it next to my itchy flaky menopausal skin?

Be nice to be caressed by something, why do you think I give up my seat on the train, it's not because I'm nice, its for human contact- fair do's it tends to be the man who's farts smell of sausage sandwiches.......

After many years of marriage it's not as if he even looks at me let alone wants to touch me in bed to stroke and snuggle up to my snuggily wuggily PJays, the most contact we have is when he shouts "Quick burglars hide!" And shoves my head under the quilt where a nice fart has just been laid waiting to claim my soul.....

Or when he attempts to roll me onto my side with the same success as a toddler trying to rescue a beached whale in an attempt to cease my alleged snoring....

So come on, I'd even forego the quite appliqué teddy thing on the front ( oh yeah nice touch- take my bra off and teddy looks like he has sodding mumps!!!) please reconsider your fabric  

Stinky

Dear young man on the train sat opposite me- as a mother I can tell you that spraying after shave on your trousers to try and get rid of those dubious white stains will not stop your trousers from being stained, it will make it worse only due to the fact that I feel a bout of sneezing coming on from the copious amounts of pound shop imported cheap spray you have filled the carriage with & as we are sat in close proximity I may accidentally head butt you whilst undertaking said sneezing.... Now try getting blood & snot spray off your trousers.........

Service

Dear shop assistant- I know you weren't busy and I'm terribly sorry for interrupting your conversation with your colleague- your impending night out sounds amazing, however I do declare you are employed in the role of customer service-perchance to try it sometime?oh by the way I'd advise you to lay off the Greggs ........just saying

Jeans

Dear Next retailer..... Thank you so very much for discontinuing my favourite jeans and replacing your WHOLE range of jeans with " Skinny" ones, if I wanted to look a twonk I would indeed try and slide ( using copious amounts of lubricant) into my daughters size 10's......Oh yes I did note you had some " Boot cut ones which went upto a whooping gargantious size 14... Oh I can order fat ones on line? No the reason I am stood in your shop is to buy them now.... If I wanted to buy fat jeans on line i would look at sites for larger odd shaped ladies like " Fat bottomed jelly arse jeans.com"

Games

GAMES FOR NOW WE ARE OLDER 

 1. Sag, you're It. 

 2. Hide and go pee. 

 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 

 4. Kick the bucket

5. Try & remember why you've entered the room

6. Eat that & see if you get heartburn- hiatus roulette 

7. Try & stay awake after 9pm

8. Simon says- we have to repeat everything we are told in the vague hope we will actually remember it, ( or parts of it)  

9. Knock, knock Ginger ( but you don't run instead flash your "I need to Pee card"

10. Guess Who- you know the face but can't remember where the heck from 

11. Blind mans buff - where the hell did you put your specs this time?

12. Chinese whispers - having a conversation in a noisy pub- most of it is guess work

13. Marbles - no point you've lost most of them

14. Hop Scotch - yes those varifocals take some getting used to

15. Musical chairs ... That game we play until we find the comfiest one and the one we can get in and out of easiest with out jarring our poorly backs.

16. Rock, paper, scissors- how everything seems to be decided as its too much effort otherwise.

17. Eenie, meeny, miny, moe- as above 

18.  Sardines - well this applies to your handbag- crammed to the brim with those " just in case" items every time you dare to leave the house

19. Ring- a- ring-o- roses = skip the " sneezy bit and just fall down a lot

20. Twister- every time you bend down to pick something up

21. Operation - not the board game but your favourite subject for boring the bejaysus out of people 

22. Snap...... What your bones will do bringing forth item 21

 

Down wind

Down wind on the train of a certain young man who is not only having a flirtatious conversation on the phone, but a loud one & goodness me the recipient of said phone call needs to grateful that "smell o vision" has yet to be invented as he honks - a smell which is reminiscent of infected belly buttons/stale sweat/ tramps bum crack & other such fausty smells. 

I am trying not to gag & retch on a smell that I can taste.

( Disclaimer: Please note I have never personally smelt a tramps bum crack, but I do have an older brother who would stick his finger In his belly button and rub it under my nose and fart in carrier bags and proceed to wedge them  over my head......)

Commando

was thinking of  going commando to work tomorrow but im really not sure that the green and black face paint would suit me !